We lost one

We were expecting another child, but at the ultrasound for gender, the heartbeat was gone. We had dug out the baby stuff already and were excited to find out if it would be a girl or boy.

I feel like crying but feel too empty to cry. It’s like mourning a death except for someone I’ve never met yet. What if she would have cured cancer? Or been president? Or anything else? We’ll never know. And that’s what makes it so hard. What might have been.

I had worried that I would not pay as much attention to my 3 year old once the baby arrived. Now I guess I don’t have to worry. I certainly don’t want to lose or jeopardize what I have over what might have been. But I feel guilty for feeling bad or mourning.

I now know how lucky we are with our first child. It all came do easily that I didn’t appreciate that things could go wrong. Now I know better.